Caregiver's Guilt

It's been just a little over a year since Jane committed suicide. There was no escaping the anniversary of that event. I thought about a great many things that I have struggled with throughout this past year, and had come to terms with. But, something was still bothering me, so much so that I had pushed it aside, out of mind and into the realm of repression and denial I suppose. Those kinds of defense mechanisms do serve a purpose, and there are only so many emotions a person can deal with at a time, but eventually they have to be faced.

If not, then your “inner being” has a way of sending you messages.

I finally started listening.

There is a lot of guilt to deal with when someone very close to you commits suicide. My family, Jane’s family, my friends and colleagues all know how devoted I was to Jane. Because of her medical condition I always had a lot on my plate: full time job, cooking, household chores/repairs, errands etc. (I sure developed respect for the women in our society who do the same thing.)

I never felt as though it was a burden. I loved doing things for Jane. It made me feel good. But, it didn’t make her feel good. She always felt as though she was a burden on me, no matter how much I tried to convince her otherwise. She would struggle before asking me to do something as simple as going to pick up a prescription for her. That irritated me, well frustrated me at times, which only made things more difficult for her.

When she died, there was a huge “burden” and responsibility lifted off my shoulders. There was a sense of relief and freedom. And it made me feel absolutely miserable. That’s what “caregiver’s guilt” is all about.

But that guilt ran even deeper.

Despite my full plate as a “caregiver” (I don’t really like that term, I prefer “loving husband”) I still found time for my own interests. I love music, art, reading, studying, and over the past 10 years, “inner exploration” and the mysteries of human “awakening”. Jane didn’t really share those interests, although we had many discussions in these areas, especially lucid dreaming. I don’t think she read this blog much. And, I always felt a little guilty about the time I spent with my internet friends and community. I should have spent more time working on my honey “do” list, and I often felt as though Jane thought the same thing.

So for the past year I have had the freedom to play my guitar, draw, read, or blog to my heart’s content, but I have not done any of those things. I have developed other interests, but when it comes to the things that I used to love, I haven’t been able to do a damn thing. In fact, I would sometimes feel physically sick when I tried, and had no idea why.

Of course I really knew why, and have known all along.

So, I’m trying to get my toes wet.

To be continued….. eventually…..